Hi Jason.
Thank you for reading my journal. I would like to think that you realise that most of the things written in here were written some time ago and do not reflect my current thoughts or emotions.
I would also like to believe that you know that I have a penchant for exagerration.
I don't know why you put in the effort to find this. True I could have made it harder to find, or private. That, unfortunately, would have made it hard to get comments.
You see, it's nice to have somebody say "I know how it is" or generally empathize, upon occasion.
Although, there is a reason I didn't tell most people about this.
For example, let's look at who does read this. We have Caleb and Jordan, despite having known them for a long time, I don't think there's anything I could say or do in here that would offend them, short of a personal attack. (Which, I would have no reason for doing) Then we have people like Hope and Brent. I like these guys, good friends, good times and good conversation. I don't see enough of them, or spend enough time with them to have any decent reason to have a fight or major problem with them. Basically; I like them, but I don't see them enough. Then we have people who I don't even know personally.
Now we could talk about who I don't, and never wanted to, have reading this. Gary for example. I don't fight with him often, but I do get pissed at him sometimes. He occasionally irritates me, and I wouldn't want to offend him. So, I didn't give him this link. Then there's Kat, Tish and Jocelyn. I spend a LOT of time with them in Toronto. I don't want them reading this for gossip reasons alone. Then there's people like yourself, Mom and Josh. I love you guys. A lot. I'd jump infront of a bullet for ya.
Of course, the closer you are to somebody, and the more you care about them, the easier it is to fight with them. Take Josh for example. He leaves messes. Not all the time, not always big ones, but enough. I wouldn't want him to be hurt by me discussing that. Or Mom. Especially Mom. She can be highly irritating to live with. I love her to tears, but she's not the easiest person to live with all the time. Or yourself. Fights, Drama, Gossip, DRAMA. I love ya bro, but sometimes you're not easy to deal with.
I didn't want you to read this. I don't have my full name or full e-mail attatched to this. I checked, it takes me a few tries to get google to find it, and I know what to look for. You read it anyways. You knew it was a journal when you opened it. If you want to read something personal, be aware that you may not read "Omg I love everything, always, all the time, and am never angry or frustrated when I am fighting with people". It just is not realistic.
I hope you can understand that although I did not say many nice things about your wife, I certainly said things that reflect my mood and emotional state much more than my actual opinions of her. I expect that from anybody who reads this. I suspect that she has a great deal of positive aspects that I just don't get to see regularly.
Because I don't see either of you regularly.
That's really the underlying theme to all my strife and angst about your wife, you know. I do not see you. EVER. (exagerration, see?) I've been home, what, near a month? I talked to you on the phone, once.
Yeah, busy life, full time job, chores, etc. Me too.
I hope you can also see that I've made every concession I can think of, done as much as I can, to try and make amends with your wife. I do NOT know why she hates me. Please, tell me. I don't hate her. Not really. I loath what she has done to our relationship. Or what you've allowed your relationship with her to do to ours. That's how I see it anyways, how do you see it?
if you're angry, talk to me. Let us meet up sometime, you can bitch me out. Really. I don't fault you for being offended. I do fault you for sending this url to Mom. I don't think she'll read this, but I'm not posting in this one anymore.
f-bomb, just when I was starting to really LIKE it too.
Guten abend, soyez sage, farewell.
(the tittle quote is the last line from "Neuromancer" by william gibson. devoted fans may remember this book from rants about my digital photo course.)I'm Feeling:  annoyed Now Playing: The High Dials - Soul in Lust |
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gahhh
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23 mai 2006 @ 00:13
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So I spent a weekend at Gary's Cabin. That, my friends, was fantastic. We watched X2, An American Werewolf in Paris, Ocean's 12, Hitched, and Son of the Mask. Sadly enough, Werewolf was BETTER than Mask. Hahhahahaa, Oh man, Gary and I spent a good two hours or so discussing what was done wrong in that movie. I maintain that the two worst points were: they tried to reproduce Jim Carrey's character and they casted a person who was weak at physical comedy as the lead. He wasn't bad at comedy, just that when he had the mask on he looked like he had botox.
Gary and I also did a few chores around his cabin, cleared out some wood, moved a fridge, cut some formica, burned the wood that we cleared out (it was infested with ants, ee!). That type of thing. Oddly enough I wasn't actually annoyed to be doing chores, which got me thinking. Why do I hate it so much when my Mom makes me do chores? I think it's the way she goes about it. I have to figure out exactly what it is that she does that bugs me. I think it might have been the comraderie; Gary and I did it, I didn't feel like I was being used, I was just helping out.
Let's see... we also did a few things with his parents. Great people really. Sarcastic as all hell, but very nice and welcoming. But the best part?
we played Go. We took a scrabble board and pieces from reversi, figured out what 9x9 was (as we didn't have the pieces for a larger game) and went to it. Amusingly we tied the first game, we were both playing defensively and split right through the center, it was hilarious. Later on we got more adventerous, reading eachother ahead 5-6 moves, which was even better. We're just about equal at this point, I'm ahead 1 game right now. We came to the decision that I must buy a go board. A larger game (over 4x the area: 19x19) would be much more rewarding, even deeper strategy :D.
So then I came home.
hah, my Mom asked if she could start reading this after I told her that Jay found the url. *shakes head* this is where I rant, damnit. She would either end up crying or throw me out...
But I digress; today when I got home, she said to me "are you working tomorrow?" to which I replied "yes, 9-5" to which she sharply said "if the grass isn't cut by tomorrow, then I'm hiring a lawn care company and paying with your money."
what the hell.
I said "I'm cutting the grass tomorrow" and spent the rest of the evening trying to stop being angry. I asked her later why she would say something like that when she knew it would make me angry. She said that when the grass wasn't cut for the weekend, SHE was angry. Well, the hole in this logic is that I didn't mean to make HER angry, she was getting revenge. That, my friend, stings.
grr. *still* grumpy about it. That's not a respectful way to treat somebody who does a whole lot of things for her.
I'm a touch insulted, and as soon as I figure out what it is about her chores that makes me so grumpy, I'll discuss both issues with her.
and she'll say something like "I feel that you are being selfish and abandoning me. I can't do it Joel, I'm sick!"
... yay. and I'd like a lil respect and thanks for what I do. Sick or not, a thank you isn't too much to ask. (a thank you as a pre-amble for more chores somehow seems less sincere.)
Anyways, I found this on Brent's LJ.
100 Things You Might Not Have Known About Me
1.EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
I can safely say, no.
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
for real? a few monthes I think. Heh. I keep getting dumped for odd things like being too nice.
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED:
dude... A bunch of blank dvd's that Terry couldn't use anyways.
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL?
I have no cell. I live in the dark ages of connectivity.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
Last week some time, unless you count a handfull of pullups today.
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
camera toys, computer gadgets, airplane tickets and tuition.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
I think I had some crackery things, or a sugar free hard candy.
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE ATTRACTIVE SEX?
build, face.
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG:
Fallout Boy - Dance Dance (this week, anyways)
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
technically, my legal residence is my Mom's basement (yay cheapness), but realistically I live in Toronto, 2/3 of the year anyways. I count as a dependant though, even though I keep paying bills and shit. Life is lame.
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTEND(ED):
College Jeanne Sauve. I had good times in grade 12, I miss a few of the teachers, and that school had enough hotties to keep it interesting, but the anti-gay atmosphere (NOBODY was out) was a touch problematic. heh. anybody who knew me in highschool knows what I'm talking about.
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
I just got a signal booster for my cordless phone... hahahaha, that'd be cool.
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE(S):
I like Buffalo, Bluenotes, Chapters, Old Navy and the shoe stores (I'm so gay sometimes...)
14. LONGEST JOB HELD:
Let's see, McKnight's Pharmacy was 2 years, then unigraphics ltd was 8 monthes, Starbucks was 2 years, ipsos-reid was 3 monthes, Technically I've worked at the daycare since December; I just havn't had shifts (being in Toronto and all).
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
no.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
No, that's pretty juvenile and caller display provides issues.
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED?
Brenna's, I did the photography (which will be done editing this week. Says I.)
18. FIRST FRIENDS YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?
Gary, I'd give him a mil, then Mom and ask what her debt load was, then Terry to pay off his mortgage, then my financial planner to tell them how much I want to invest.
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH:
thanksgiving, 2004. At which point I was highly offended and my friend was shocked and apalled and later very appologetic about having invited me. :) the pastor suggested that Gay Marraige was an abomination and a scourge to society.
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
... I sorta loath all of them, but Falafal Hut gets points for hours of operation and relative cheapness of grub.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD?
Geeze.... just choose one from my Dad.
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
Mt.Everest indian & Napalese food. Right There is 2nd, it gets points for atmosphere, Mt.Everest gets points for being amazing.
24. CAN YOU COOK?
Better than my Mom.
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
My lil bro's/mom's minivan. It's got flames on the dash :D
26. BEST KISSER?
honestly? Steve #2, that was sexy as hell... mmmm. shame he was a touch shallow and we parted ways after a week.
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
uhm... ... I LOVED THAT DOG DAMNIT.
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD:
I like most things, but I genuinely don't like fried chicken, at all.
29. THINGS YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I almost always try to put others before myself.
30. THINGS YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I'm not always as outspoken as I could be and I procrastinate more than I want to.
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
I don't know, a lil bit of overtime, nothing too outstanding.
33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
I honestly am not sure.
34. CAN YOU SING?
hahaha, no.
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Neko Case, so sexy.
36. LAST KISS?
the day I left Toronto, unless you count when Kate (3 1/2 years old) snuck up and gave me a peck on the cheek.
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
Nanny McPhee, it was pretty good for a kid's flick.
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?
pants.
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT?
Grand Beach. ;_; I miss the camping trips.
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
Most of the time, fast food chinese is nasty though. It's the texture of worms and snot.
41. HOW BIG IS YOUR BED?
it's a double I think. tinytiny, the one at school is even smaller. My feet hang off the end of that one all year, and I'm not even monsterous tall.
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN?
Sorta, I can't actually do much about the laundry though, not having a dresser.
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?
I have never had a laptop, I can't say until I've tried one. I must admit I could enjoy the ability to sit in other places though.
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
Robin Williams, actually. Gary worships him, and I am a fan of his older standup.
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
hell no. Actually the trend in my family is that if you smoke you die in your 50's, if you don't you get 90's. No smokey.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES ON?
I hate HATE wearing shirts in bed, pants or boxers for me.
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
... me... and... me...
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
I havn't had it happen yet. in fact, distance seems to be the easiest way to end a relationship. bah.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
never :D AND I've been driving for years.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Pancakes actually, I don't like eggs very much.
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
yes, oh god yes! only I'm very sensitive to caffine now.
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
overwell, runny yolk is GROSS.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?
ahahhahaaa, not at all. what a load of...
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
uhm. I... don't... know ... :|
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?
Brenna, she called last week but I was out. And soon to be leaving for the weekend.
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?
... something from Gary, I'm sure.
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING?
McD's, BK has a weird texture.
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?
3, two normal one huge.
59. WHAT ARE YOU HEARING RIGHT NOW?
the fans in my tower and Bratmobile - Bitch Theme
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC OR SONG?
"American woman..." (song changed"
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J SANDWICH?
raspberry :D
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
badly, yes! hahahaa. It's a fun game.
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
yeah, I enjoy it, I wish I had a pool.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
heavenly hash. :) so delicious.
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
when I have to go somewhere, yes, yes I do. quite a bit.
66. TELL US A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF?
I don't have an obsession with asia, despite liking Animé, Manga, Origami and Go. I find most cultures just as fascinating, if not more so in some cases, they just don't have as nifty arts and crafts.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
I... think so. I didn't like it.
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Winter, it's beautiful.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
I saw Son of the Mask on the weekend, need I say more? (the pee scene..)
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
uhm 10:30? something like that.
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?
snow, amazing pretty snow.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?
I've never had a ticket, I'm good at driving, or lucky.
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Sparkle. T'was a cat.
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
Overrated, except Jack Sparrow. In person they would've been smelly.
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
uhm, meeting up with Andy to finalize comp things, hitting up Brenna, going out with Mom, doing way more chores than I want to, and trying to sleep in.
79. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR NAME?
e. pfft. bad q.
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS?
Loki is about 3, but that's Josh's pet. Brenan IS 4, but he's no longer mine. ... *tear*
81. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BACKPACK?
black, as one would expect from me.
82. ARE YOU SICK?
no, but my gums are tingly from the listerine, does that count?
83.DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?
yeah, 2 more years for my BFA. Then I'll debate a MFA.
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN?
we have two, so I'll go out on a limb and say "yes".
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?
nuh unh, dimension 4550!
86. ARE YOU WATCHING MTV?
I don't even have a TV darn it!
87. ARE YOU SMILING?
I just smirked thinking about it, but it was cynical, so totally not.
88. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?
I have only ever worn eyeliner for halloween.
90. ARE YOU BLONDE?
Dirty blond, some say, light brown say others. I say "rat's nest brown". Luckily this colour will hide grey which should show up in about 7 years.
91. DO YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
yes, but I havn't ever done a damn thing to it.
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
;_; this is making me feel old all of a sudden.
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
normally yes.
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
I used to like Tyler until Fight club, I would like Mitch, but I know an adult one, and that takes the fun out of it; as I associate it with a person, Abdullah would win, currently but I wouldn't name a kid that. Maybe Samuel.
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?
I have two, one's grey and tan, the other is black and white.
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?
no... I don't think.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?
no, I don't really get vacations.
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?
hahahaa, no. Those things, along with disney theme parks, are a myth perpetuated by the media.
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
Two, but I don't get to see Jami enough
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?
room in BASEMENT
*image to come later*I'm Feeling:  grouchy Now Playing: Led Zepplin - Kashmir |
I could really go for a break. Something to go my way, just a little. Okok, the job is working pretty good, I'll admit. And I do have great friends. I'm also resonably healthy and nobody I know is likely to die sooner than later. I am aware that my life isn't THAT hard, but today blew anyways.
Gary came over, we finished painting, that's good. We went to his place and stained all but 3sqft of his deck (ran out of stain... which was unfortunate).
My portfolio finally came back in the mail, which seems like it should be good, but it's not. nono it is not. For starters because I know now that Mom did NOT send my best stuff, secondly because she marked the backs of them with Ink. I was particular about pencil for a reason; pencil does not stain or transfer if it gets humid. It remains delightfully inert. The prints are all ruined. I could cry. Some were irreplaceable. I can scan them and doctor them though, so it's not the literal end of the world. It's just frustrating.
So this evening my Mom and I watched a movie and ate icecream. Why? she got a baaad phone call. I'd go into details, but for reasons, I shall not. That's right, this journal has been compromised. Which means that people I didn't want reading it, now know it, and so I have to start censoring it. F-bomb! Not much, just things that shouldn't be spread.
So Jason sent me an e-mail. Maybe it was Serena actually, it was from their joint e-mail, normally Jay just sends from his own when he's mssging me. Yeahyeah, signed Jason, but still. See, I can't tell by the content. He just included this url and his name. didn't say if he's angry, didn't say he wants to talk, just the addy. of course if Ser has been reading this all along, it would explaine why she's been so angry. heh. 'cus I rant and vent in here, that's what journals are FOR. it's not a freaking editorial. oh well. If they stop talking to me alltogether over what's written in here, I would consider that a childish act. This is not writen as a response to them, and I'm not going to make it as such now. I won't appologize for what I have written, but I will appologize if it offended when it was not intended to. It's my journal, and if I'm angry, I AM allowed to express it here, no protecting sensibilities damnit.
So, I say angry and mean things about Serena here.
*snort*
maybe Jason should wonder why I would say those things. If I am so angry, why would I be so angry? the reason Ken finally gave for wanting to break it off with me is that I'm not passionate enough and that he never saw me angry except once.
yeah, dumped for being too nice, again. wtf.
SO IF I'm angry and I'm not easily angered, maybe how I've been treated is offensive? Maybe, just maybe I feel that I have been treated unfairly? For argument's sake, I feel that Serena has a biased hatred for me and wants to excommunicate me so that I won't talk to Jason and therefore he can never possibly like me again. Because she does not like me.
THAT's what I think, goddamnmit, and she's not proving me wrong so far.
notice she gave up on trying to patch things up? I didn't. I'm still up for it. I've just been busy.
which reminds me, Brenna called and so I have to finish half the editing posthaste and get it to her. I've been busy freaking painting the whole inside of the house instead of that because MOM can't wait!
GRRRRRR she has been frustrating me. Paint, Garden, DO EVERYTHING, and if I don't I'm the ungrateful son. it is NOT fun. And I have to work enough so I can afford school in the fall.
I want to get really drunk, get into a big fight with Jay so he will actually talk to me and tell me what the fuck is going on with him, then I want to vomit everywhere and pass out in the back yard.
well not that last part. But the last time I talked to Jay he was talking like a freakin' ... I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'd ask a question, and he'd give a gruff or short one word answer. He wasn't talking to me, he was treating me how he used to treat DAD. what the hell. all I want is my brother back and he treats me like that.
What did I do to deserve that? I try to give them chances, I try to move on constantly, is there NO winning? Really, I'd like to know. IF I KNEW, then maybe I could change it. But no, I'm supposed to know ALREADY.
I hate that. how could I know? what if I doubt what I think I know and second guess? Hunh? what THEN?
I am a little upset.
also Anne (Ken's best friend) told me to call him, 'cus he was upset. She figured I would relax him, but he didn't pick up. I know he was there; so he didn't pick up.
also my favorite kid at daycare left tuesday, I'll never see him again. ever. He's moving to another country. if I made HIM angry, he'd forgive me, and if he made ME angry, I'd forgive him. see? that's how relationships should be. Friendship based on mutual understanding and compassion.
actually it was really sweet, everybody was spoiling him all day. I even let him play on the swings for like 30 odd minutes, much longer than anybody else. And we gave him the reward candy we had for him. Oh and we gave him cake. And his favorite snacks. And played the games he liked. You know, 'cus we wouldn't get to spoil him again.
See? I could use a good break. Actually I'm really looking forward to going to Gary's cabin for the long weekend. I'll load up the cam with film and go piss away time. It'll be good, and I will be able to relax a bit hopefully. Play some Go, read some, etc. Paint the shed, but that's peanuts, It's easy to do and it's not like I'm not used to painting constantly or something.
I want a beer.
shot on portra 160-t, I like how it gives a purple shift.
 I'm Feeling: f-bomb! Now Playing: Rent - Take me or leave me |
It's been a rough week.
I am not a morning person. God only knows why I keep having these fantasies of being able to wake up at unholy hours and being able to function normally for a full day. I already know that I can't reliably fall asleep before midnight and that trying to change this causes insta-insomnia. This is why in grade 12 I averaged 5 hours of sleep a night, I would stay up until I was tired, and wake up when I had to. 2 am to 7 am, I slept. Well, this last week I have been working at (the ever so delightful) daycare. Three of those days I worked 7-3. Yeah, you can do the math.
Monday and Tuesday, I was working doing Inclusion. This means, all day I got to basically be an extra hand with a group to make sure the special needs kiddo was included in activities. So, free time, he was free to go pound on a keyboard, stare out the window, or clap, flap and stim himself silly. (his favorite stimulations include being tossed in the air, spun around, flipped upside down and tickled. Even better is combining these. Tickling while holding upside down is fairly easy.) However, during crafts, snacks, stories and songs, getting him to be part of the group takes a bit more effort, understanding and patience. He just doesn't like to sit still. I know his twin brother, and frankly, I think those two are more alike than most people realize. His twin is a very high energy child. This is apparent because he is always running and giggling, always. The kiddo I was working with only giggles when he is exceptionally giddy, but he does have that same energy. The thing is, once you get to know a kid like that, get past the essential fact of difference, it becomes apparent how normal they are in so many ways. Social interactions may be different, but they are still there.
Anyways, those two days went swimmingly. I got him engaged socially by making him comfortable and interacting with him in ways that he could work with. Don't get me wrong, if I say "Hey bud, we're not playing over there, come back" he'll turn around and come back. He can follow english fine. But if I said "Let's play tag" he'd ignore me. "tag" just doesn't mean enough to him. So if he comes over wanting me to throw him in the air, and I retreat, and he follows again, and I retreat slightly more dramatically so he knows I'm teasing, suddenly we're playing tag, and he's it.
This isn't to say he's mute, he does know a few simple signs as well, but sitting down for lunch and he starts signing for "more" while looking at well... nothing. I'd love to say we will be working on that, but he's leaving the country shortly. I'm not sure what day, but it's soon. Quite very soon. Sometime next week from what I gather. So that was hard to find out.
Although the daycare director talked to me, and it looks like for the summer we'll be getting in two special needs (ie. autistic) kids (twins so I hear) and she wants ME to be one of the full time inclusion workers. This, I consider to be a huge HUGE honor, as I have no formal education in this. Just a healthy dose of information and intuition. Her reasoning is that since I'm so great with this munchkin, and I'm MALE, I'm perfect. See, she wants me to work with a boy. Anybody who thinks that lil boys don't give heads or tails over a male daycare worker are deluding themselves. My co-workers, kids parents, etc, point it out often. Saying things like "they behave so much better with you here" or "the boys, they LOVE you!" etcetc. Heh, the girls don't mind either. I think the director summed it up best though "Men tend to play with the kids, women tend to mother them. Men are much more laid back."
So, then there was the BAD day at work. OH GOD, bad behavior is catching like a yawn. See it happening and you can't help but join in, or so it seems. One morning the director was called to the floor to help in the playroom (where I was not) and the kids were SO WILD that she felt we had to have a meeting later in the day to discuss it. My side was under control for the most part, a little silly but nothing outstandingly bad. Apparently there was a glut of bad behavior on the other side though, as I found out later. When we had circle time four FOUR boys were trying to throw chairs off of, and climb over the railing of the indoor structure. I was supposed to be putting out beds at this point, but nothing doing. As soon as I saw that one co-worker (who is soon to be discussed) wasn't doing enough, I dropped them and hightailed it up the structure. I got the chairs on the floor and shooed the boys out, POSTHASTE. MY GOD. I was lividly shocked at their behavior. Lack of composure is normal for 2-3 of them, but it was escalating far beyond normal. far FAR beyond.
All these issues were discussed later on, and the supervisors observed us during part of the day to notice other problem areas. This led to good discussion and pointers that helped me out. I'm a bit green at times and I'm not afraid to admit it. I tend to keep things good, but there's room for improvement, it's true. The big fight though was how the groupes are managed in the morning, and the problems have been changed. Gone are the days of 16 kids expected to sit all at once for one story. Now it's either a group activity or small groupes doing more interractive things. As for the morning? if things are getting out of control, we either get the director on the floor faster, seperate the problem kids (we know EXACTLY WHO they are) or maybe even go outside so that running and throwing things (like balls) is just fine. Makes sense to me anyways. The idea is to keep them from getting bored enough to be bad.
Ah yes, about that co-worker. She Is An Idiot. That bad day? Where the kids were being a danger to themselves and others? She was sitting there with her back to them saying things like "Well, you won't get to eat lunch if you're being bad" ... dude, we can't make threats about food for starters, and the kids are never referred to as bad. Ever. Seems trivial but there's reasons. One; food is a right, we can't take it away. Hollow threats don't work, also it is abusive to withold it, so threatening it is mentally abusive (to a degree). Calling them bad implies a constant state. Kids are not bad, they can do bad things however. We still shouldn't say that the things are bad, because these are 3-5 year old kids. They may understand that to mean that they are bad. We want them to be happy, not crush their spirits. It also tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy. "You're bad!" gets a kid to think "You don't like me, so I'm hurt and angry, and the only way to tell you that is to be worse."
That's not where it stops though, the other day one boy pinched one off in his undies (yes, I know, it's gross) so she was cleaning him up and she said "Well, I changed his pants, but we don't have any fresh undies" so I said "yeah, that's ok". I found out later that she put them back on him. Dirty. I could see if they were lightly stained (you know, skid marks at worst) and she had wiped 'em up a bit, not pretty but workable. Nope, they had enough that he told a different worker later and she had to wipe off crusties. That is a BIG ASS DEAL. (no pun intended) the caked on poo could have given him a rash or even caused burns (if his skin was sensitive enough). A 5 year old boy does NOT need underwear the same way a 15 year old boy does. Their bits are tiny. Really, trust me. Going commando at that age is about as bad as wearing an uncomfortable sweater. Having shit caked on your ass at that age is much much worse. poor guy.
So, I have this vague resentment for her. Another co-worker did a few things on a walk that perplexed and frustrated me, but nothing to the same degree just more of "... you know taking a different route would've let us avoid both of the behavior issues that occured..." type of thing.
So that was my week at work, more or less. There's 100's of stories I could tell, but this was not all the bad of my week. nosiree, this was the occupational hazard stuff.
Out of the other two things I don't know which is worse. That's so sad. hahahahaa, god. So Ken wants to "take a break" which means for all intents and purposes I'm currently single, again. I think there's a 50/50 on us getting back together. I don't even know. Fuck. He still talks to me, that's something. hurts that I can't even think of what I could've done differently. I don't know what to say about that.
My Mom decided about two weeks ago that we would give away our dog. He has a chronic skin condition that we can NOT afford to treat, and she is allergic to it. So, we gave him to a no kill shelter. More accurately, she made me do it, because he was a loved dog that we didn't want to say goodbye to. So today after work I loaded him into the van, and drove over. I led him in, and gave him a hug, signed some papers and left his kennel with him (with a blanket from us. This way he has his home; his safe place.) I really miss that dog. He's not sitting beside me anymore, not sleeping outside my door at night, and not running in and jumping up to lick my face in the morning. He's a nice dog, fiercely loyal and loving. Despite being a stinky idiot. I didn't think I'd be so choked up, to be honest, but I had to walk around the place for awhile, before going to the cashier to make it final. Had to compose myself. fuck. Had to stop the car and compose myself again later, it's hard not to love a dog who loves to cuddle.
Emotions arnt weakness, they are evidence of life, goddamnit.
Ivy took it well. Shit, we went to "build a bear" or whatever in the mall, where you customize a teddybear. She got a bulldog one, named her after out dog (who is male... Brennan, is sorta unisex, right?). So she gave it a noisebox that barks, it stands on it's own and has rollerskates. ... 119$ later... The standard bear is like 30$ or so but add a few pairs of shoes... rollerskate addons, helmet and kneepads... voicebox... Oh, she doesn't miss our stinky friend at all. The whole time there I was choked, and sickened by the gooey goodness of the store.
ugh.
So, I miss my dog, and I'm going to be painting tomorrow, followed by shopping with Ivy (mother's day) followed by seeing Andy. Sunday I'm going to be painting and more mother's day. Mom wants to move back monday... yeeeeah, the living room and the hallway in 2 days?
we'll see.
two BUSY days...
oh well. It's easier to talk about work, sometimes.
 I'm Feeling:  choked Now Playing: Neko Case - Hold on, Hold on |
it's been an interesting time. I'll say that for sure. I hate moving, it never ever goes smoothly or well for me. So Ken and I went to Mt.Everest indian food on the friday before the move. There we met Kat, Leah and the rest of the HNES mural gang (I'll post pics when I have them). The food was AMAZING. Then Ken and I went back to my place where I packed up stuff to take to Kat's in the morning and we cuddled and slept and good things. The next morning we got up SUPER bright and early to head off to u-haul.
Oh you bastard ass company. How I LOATH thee. We get to u-haul and they go "what? who are you!?" and I go "Uhm, I have a reservation, I called ahead and EVERYTHING." at which point they realise that they listed the wrong weekend! so I didn't have a truck. The guy was reasonable, and found another location with one I could rent. So we go over to that one, which was a 45$ taxi ride away... and the guy says "Oh you're not in the computer. We can't rent you anything without a credit card" and I said "Well, I have access to my Mother's, it's shared. I don't have it with me, but we could call her" And he says "ok, what's her number" I say "well, it's in Manitoba..." I wasn't surprised when they didn't want to call, Ken delightfully offered up his cell (I love him). Now for hypocricy! he says "Oh, we can't do that, she has to be here to sign." I restated that I CAN sign on that card, but not good enough. So even though my savings account had wads more cash, and I could've put down a 1k deposit, he said no. So, I was in angry as freakin' hell, accross the city, upset like mad mode... Ken and I decided to go back to York (by bus..) and figure out what to do.
So, that took 4 hours to waste 45 bucks and make me hate that company. The first mistake, I could live with, the terrible unappologetic service at the second location I am still angry about. I should contact them. And ask for my taxi money back.
So I ended up using a taxi-minivan to take the stuff to Kat's place, which was frustrating and irritating. And expensive. Oh well. I had to do it, I was out of options. That evening Ken and I mostly just relaxed together, I got my packing done, and we hugged and felt sad, but glad to be together.
We woke up at 3:45 to take the stuff downstairs to the taxi to the airport. Then we rode to the airport. (as one would assume) and I caught my plane without further ado. I slept most of the flight and landed in Winnipeg at about 9:10. Mom was there, and that was nice. I got my stuff and came home.
Which, is bittersweet. So since then I've seen friends and worked. Work, I love. LOVE. friends is good too. ahahhahahaa
My first shift back at work started out with playing with kids, then I had a break, then I played with kids more, then lunch, then more playing, then I think I changed a diaper, then a break, then more playing and then I had to go home. I LOVE doing the inclusion shifts. "Your job today is to make sure this boy is participating in free play and communicating wants. Do not anticipate his needs, let him ask." Translation? "yeah. go play with the kids and keep an eye on this guy." Super easy, he knows how to sign for "more" which is his generic "please" word, we're workign on drink, and he understands "no more"... which he doesn't much like, but who did at 3 1/2? To make things more fun he LIKES me, so even though it's highly strange, he makes eye contact with me fairly often, likes to play with me, and generally we get along. You know what makes this EXTRA good?
:D... in the summer when school is out there will be an influx of kids. Autistic kids included. The director said that I WILL have a full time job for those monthes, and she has ME in mind for the inclusion with at least one of the new autistic kids, because I'm male and she thinks they would benifit from working with me. (what? positive male roll models who give reinforcing affectionate attention to boys is GOOD for them? who knew! So many boys love playing with me, but I can decidedly tell which ones get attention from their dads, those are the ones who are indifferent in my attention.)
She does joke around that men tend to be less strict with rules than women. I tend to goof around a lot more than the women do. ahahahaa. oh well. It's very odd being the only male worker though. I run and play and what not more than they do. When the kids are playing outside I normally join in. One worker who is on vacation referred to me as "the big kid" because she figured I was just as rowdy as the lil ones. Good times.
I'm so looking forward to inclusion though. SO much. best work ever, all I do is enjoy myself. (yeahyeah, the kids occasionally loose control of their emotions and what not, but that's a small fraction of the day. the NT kids do that too, but with more elaborate articulation.)
So that's been my week. I have to get my ass in gear and finish Brenna's wedding pics, I have to get my first aid updated, and I have to figure out something sweet to do for my boyfriend. That's all.
Oh, and I got re-interested in Go, seems like I can never find people to play it with me. Something about it being a long mentally challenging game. which happens to be why I like it.
check it out, me when I was like 4 1/2. :D same age as the kids I watch!
 I'm Feeling:  calm Now Playing: Neighborhood #2 - The Arcade Fire |
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shiro_42